Well today has been ok...

i already ate!! i had a bowl of cereal w. some milk...yesterday i read on one of my friends' blogs on myspace that not only is it very important to eat breakfast but it kick starts your metabloism and gets it running!! Well if you dont eat in the mornings when you do eat it pretty much saves all the fat from w.e you jus ate coz it thinks its going in starvation mode...so i defintly dont want that....so i am goin to eat breakfast jus to get my metabloism goin...but its goin to be something light for now on...

anyways, today i have to tan and go and get my hair straightener so i cant be on different websites all day lol :]

well heres a note from me to a guy when i was 17 and he was 16 it was a very very hard time for me and plz plz dont judge me b.c i'll never make the same mistake:

G,

Hey! whats goin on? not alot here! Thas good you get out in June, jus be good ok? *lol* im tellin you 2 be good & i havnt been 2 good! Yea i wanna beat tha fuck outta R & if i see her on the streets i will! Thas not a threat its a promise! K came down 4 xmas & she dont like me & if R got a hold of me she thinks she would beat my ass, but K thinks of me as the sweet shy girl i used to be, she dunno i went physcho & have 2 take anger management & shit...but she could only kno when R's ugly ass is bleedin,huh? Sorry but i HATE that ugly ass bitch! She's not goin to hurt me, i take pain pretty good! Anyways, what i had to tell M was that i thought i was pregnant...yea you prolly think im a slut, but its not like that...i felt i fucked up w. the abortion thing and me and M were together and i loved him and we decided we were goin to try, but it didnt work...Anyways one day i will have a baby and it'll be when im ready. Anyways, idk when i first found out, after a week or two i could tell b.c my lower stomach was hurting and i was always tired! I jus kinda ignored it and waited for my period, and it never cam and my stomach hurt worse and i was even more tired but i didnt have morning sickness so i figured i was jus stressed, but...

i felt all bloaded and shit and it hurt real bad, it even woke me up in the middle of the night, so then i went and bought a pregnancy test and i was going to wait and take it in the morning after i got it but again i woke up at 4:00 in the morning b.c it fucking hurt and so i took the test and right away it said i was pregnant. So yea...well see like a week after i missed my period i took an expensive pregnancy test and it said i wasnt pregnant thats another reason why i was like w.e i might not be but i pretty much knew i was after 2 weeks when we fucked. And when i talked to you on the phone i wanted to tell you i thought i was but i was so scared but when you were like talkin bout us fuckin again and i said we cant, and you were like why not? and i dont kno why i said but i tried to hint to you that i was pregnant, but you didnt guess. That morning i took the test and found out i was, you were home and i didnt go to school that day and i was going to go to your house and tell you, but i figured it didnt matter anyways...i thought you were going to slam the door in my face...

So i talked to a therapist and she thought i was goin to kill myself so remember you, your brother,a friend, and another friend came over that day and the therapsit kept calling me and a couple times i didnt answer and she freaked out and called the cops and called a mental hospital. Yall left and my aunt called my mom and told her everything and she had to take me to the mental hospital by midnight or they were goin to arrest her. So then from the mental hospital(2 weeks) i went to a behavioral live in treatment and was there for 3 and a half months...and i heard you got locked up too! So...i was 2 months and 7 days pregant...they did an ultrasound to see if the baby was to big to get an abortion. You kno i feel like shit everytime i talk about this, and really your the only one who kno's EVERYTHING about it, besides some of my family. Idk why i didnt tell you i  like you? I thought you knew! Im not going to be w. someone i dont like. But i really.really. like you alot. Im not going to lie! I kno your prolly goin to be w. my best friend, so i'll jus leave you alone, but IF you do like me, and if you would wanna get w. me i'll wait on you and i would wanna be w. you! But dont be telling my best friend these things ok? But if you dont wanna be w. me and shit at least you got to kno everything that happend between us! What i was talkin about when i said i never had feelings before is that i thought you were hott and i liked you, but i didnt kno how much you actually meant to me. I mean it too! Well i sound so stupid coz i heard you were goin to get w. my best friend but i thought you should kno the truth!

**I was 17 when all this happend, im now 20 and im a changed person**

***I was young and i had sex w. a guy from my small town and we didnt even talk much at all besides when we decided to sleep together and well...it only took the first time.***

****I found out i was pregnant in April 2005, i had to go to a mental hospital that day..and i had to make a decision on what to do w.out him, i was young, stupid,scared,cutting myself everyday before i found out, i jus got out of the same mental hospital in February...i didnt want to be one of those bad moms  b.c i knew if i couldnt take care of myself there was no way i was goin to be able to take care of a baby...i also didnt want to put it up more adoption and for the rest of my life kno my baby is out there and i should of been the one in its life...i kno what i did was wrong...i was young....fucked up....and all on my own....i wish i could go back...but you jus cant...:[****

*****The abortion happend on April 14, 2005 the next day i had to go to a  behavioral home April 15, 2005. *****

♥You can ask me any questions if you want...if it helps you better understand this i will answer.

♥Plz dont judge me...i jus thought it would make me feel better to write it down.

im not fucking eating until that horrible day is over with...period.

 Is a bad month for me...

I always remember my bad shit when its the month it happend in...its horrible!! Idk why i do that...its a bit ridiculous but w.e lol i couldnt tell you why i do some of the crazy things i do coz idk myself!!

Anyways, this was a absobuletly HORRIBLE month for me when i was 17 years old and i'll write more about it later...right now its jus to much to rewind...

Anyways, today has been ok...was up since 5:15am and it was actually a VERY good morning for me...no reason...i jus woke up in a very awsome mood!! lol it dosnt happen much!! This is what i ate today:

1 cream horn

(very fatening i kno!!)

the rest of the coke in my 2 liter bottle

(which didnt have very much in it)

idk how many calories but im assuming its alot!!! :[

Anyways, today im feelin HUGELY.GROSSLY.*FAT* and so therefore im goin to try to not eat anything else b.c i really hate my fucking body and im so sick of me shoveling food in it....i think it is too... so i think im goin to at least do a fast for the next couple of days...see what that does then hopefully i get some better diet pills this thursday or friday when my b.f gets paid...im glad its gettin warm out coz im ready for the summer and ready to slenderize coz i kno i will in the summer...but i also hate it coz i feel like shit everyday coz im fucking fat and therefore i can never have a good time coz im always worried about my fucking fat self!! So hopefully that helps me starve to feel my fucking bones!! OH!! that would be awsome!! Im bringin [skinny] back YEA!!

lol alright i'll write more later or tomarrow!! This is goin to be a daily journal for me coz if i dont then i'll never get to my gw!! peace.love.skinny bitchess!